Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Migraine +++ and onset signals and hope at last

Today was a very bad day for my head. On a scale 1-10 I went from a 7 on Saturday, 8 on Sunday, Monday 10, Tuesday 10, today 20 - I guess I overestimated the other days and have to rethink them cause today I hit the top of the pain scale. So, I guess it was Sat 6, Sun 7, Mon 9, Tues 9 and today 10.
It got so bad that I lost sight in my left eye - the side the migraine likes to sit on - which has happened before and is just a precursor to the amount of pain that is coming down on me. Sometimes it's my ears - I have tinitus (ringing in the ears) most all the time now that the migraine is constant - before only when I had a migraine. But, when the volume increases dramatically, another sign that the pain is about to be unbearable. Besides the blindness (really gray spots that grow to block out my vision in one eye) and the tinitus, I get other clues like seeing sparkly lights for about 20 minutes before massive pain kicks in.
Anyhow, I got depressed and lost sight of the big picture. Started saying things like "I know I'm dying this time" which I've said before (ask my husband) and aren't true. I try not to say that but then I almost can't keep from saying it because it seems so true THIS time. I rethink the constant migraine as not being so bad - at least it isn't this bad all the time or I wouldn't make it.
I've been in and out of hospitals and have a good network of medical staff and family and friends to help keep me grounded and hopeful, but I lost sight of that today.
An article and the quote at the end of the article really helped. - the quote at the end from Helen Keller “All the world is full of suffering. It is also full of overcoming” I repeated over and over and over to myself along with my usual from my Grandmother - "This Too Shall Pass." Thanks to Jeanne for sending me that tweet.

I feel more hopeful again, but am worried when the medication eases up if I don't take more that it will get bad again. I need all the support I have and can get.

I'm back to my positive self and am lucky for the friends and family I have as well as all my doctors and also to my job that is so understanding. You know there are a lot of jobs that wouldn't be as understanding and don't bother to learn about migraines and put you in a category of sickly or whatever. I get to take some of the credit - I am very good at my job - I'm a tax CPA specializing in international tax, FAS109, and highly technical transaction issues. So, I am an asset and they know it. They need me so were open to listening to my migraine story and open to supporting me. I know others are not as fortunate and I have heard rumors at work from people that don't me - the whispers of is she hungover, why's she wearing sunglasses, does she shake cause she's on something, etc. - luckily my bosses understand and don't listen to these because they have listened to me and heard from my doctors who were good enough to explain my condition to them in a letter.

So, I have much to feel grateful for and to feel proud about. I like me - which is a good thing because I'm going to be around my whole life.

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