Sunday, May 29, 2011

Drama, anxiety, drama, anxiety....

I don't know how to even start.  It's been awhile since I've been able to be on the computer for any length of time.  I haven't been doing so well with the migraine and all my other illnesses/disabilities all feeding off each other don't help at all!

It seems that any activity I gear myself up for and build up my adrenaline because I still want to do things - but it comes at a cost - a crash of pain after.  I went to see "West Side Story" at the Music Hall in April and went to see "Rock of Ages" at same Music Hall here in Kansas City in May.  Awesome - but at a cost.

My youngest son graduated high school!  Awesome and so proud of him - but attending was also at a cost.

Then I got hit with the most terrible news - my Momma has a tumor in her breast.  As we waited for the results of the biopsy, my anxiety disorder took full hold.  I was having attack after attack after attack - so much so I was starting to hallucinate hearing things - like someone in the house coming to get me and seeing things in my water and things tasting funny and oh my the smells - like all of my senses were in hyper-drive.  I was so scared I kept almost calling for an ambulance but stopped myself because I wanted the focus to be on my Momma not on me being in the hospital.  Momma thinks I just had the flu.

I got better - a lot better from where I was thinking I was dying and feeling like I couldn't breath - but anxiety still high.

Then, bad news, the biopsy for Momma was malignant and then after her appointment with the oncologist, it is large and grade 2 meaning it is very aggressive.  They cannot do surgery until they do at least 4 rounds of chemo first.  I want to focus on Momma - my anxiety is high but I am doing that and taking as best care of myself as I can so that I can focus on her.

Then to make things worse for some unknown reason my brother and ex-husband (father of my kids) who are friends, which I have always hated, but dealt with, have started crap with me attacking me and threatening my kids and telling them things that aren't true.  I cannot figure out what this is about.  All I know is that all 5 of us siblings got together to talk about Momma and my brother started up with me and I said I didn't want to get into anything because every energy and everything needed to be about Momma. 

Well, he kept on me so I walked away.  He followed and I said I won't fight with you because it all has to be about Momma - nothing else.  Whatever you have on me, let it go and leave me alone - focus on Momma.

That didn't work - well, it did for me - he left me alone.  He escalated things by calling my ex-husband and then my kids and my ex calling my kids and threatening them and saying lies and frankly nasty things about me that no child - even as an adult aught to hear true or not - although all were lies.  And physically threatening my 22 year old son. 

When I still didn't respond or react - trying to diffuse the situation - AND MY KIDS KNEW THEY WERE LIES - so we could re-focus on Momma.  I today get a text from my brother that "I am no longer your brother fyi" - what?  The argument wasn't even about anything that he was trying to start that I walked away from - just arguing to argue and I wouldn't do it! 

Then my brother calls my son and tells him that my ex-husband is my brother's family and if my son is going to defend me then HE is no longer part of my brother's family either.

All I can think is WTF?!?!?!?!

I will not ever tell my Momma about this - she needs to focus on her not on whatever this is.  But it is also sad because she is also a friend and I can't talk to her about something that is hurting me and my kids.  But that is fine - best that she focus on her because she is going to need it and I can handle it.

I say I can handle it and I can.  But, my anxiety level is now hit by pain, by treatments that aren't working yet, by my Momma and worrying about her and now also by this BS. 

I send out prayers that I can handle the stress and anxiety so my health doesn't get any worse.  I send out prayers that a calming hand will allow me to focus where I need to.  And I will NOT REACT to this. 

I always thought that walking away/not joining the fight diffused situations - but somehow it has escalated this tiny thing into something beyond my comprehension?  I wanted to talk to my therapist this week about my anxiety and my Momma - and now I have to bring this into it as well for her to be able to help me.  It just seems ridiculous and insane!

I try to think that my brother being worried about my Momma has him a little out of his mind - because it has for all of us.  Just not this way he's going.  BUT, it is NO EXCUSE for my ex-husband to threaten his children and say the things he's saying.

I stand by that I will not react or respond to this because my children have said they can take it and that they believe in me.  I stand by that that is the best way to not escalate it further and to if not diffuse it - to be able for me to focus on Momma.  And on my own health.

I wanted to write a post about the details of my anxiety disorder and the attack.  But I guess I just needed to get this off my chest in some way without escalating things.  Because he nor any of my family read my blog.  So, I can send it out to space without escalation.  And I can ease my anxiety perhaps a little by writing.

As always I wish you all the best of health and the best of everything,