Sunday, May 29, 2011

Drama, anxiety, drama, anxiety....

I don't know how to even start.  It's been awhile since I've been able to be on the computer for any length of time.  I haven't been doing so well with the migraine and all my other illnesses/disabilities all feeding off each other don't help at all!

It seems that any activity I gear myself up for and build up my adrenaline because I still want to do things - but it comes at a cost - a crash of pain after.  I went to see "West Side Story" at the Music Hall in April and went to see "Rock of Ages" at same Music Hall here in Kansas City in May.  Awesome - but at a cost.

My youngest son graduated high school!  Awesome and so proud of him - but attending was also at a cost.

Then I got hit with the most terrible news - my Momma has a tumor in her breast.  As we waited for the results of the biopsy, my anxiety disorder took full hold.  I was having attack after attack after attack - so much so I was starting to hallucinate hearing things - like someone in the house coming to get me and seeing things in my water and things tasting funny and oh my the smells - like all of my senses were in hyper-drive.  I was so scared I kept almost calling for an ambulance but stopped myself because I wanted the focus to be on my Momma not on me being in the hospital.  Momma thinks I just had the flu.

I got better - a lot better from where I was thinking I was dying and feeling like I couldn't breath - but anxiety still high.

Then, bad news, the biopsy for Momma was malignant and then after her appointment with the oncologist, it is large and grade 2 meaning it is very aggressive.  They cannot do surgery until they do at least 4 rounds of chemo first.  I want to focus on Momma - my anxiety is high but I am doing that and taking as best care of myself as I can so that I can focus on her.

Then to make things worse for some unknown reason my brother and ex-husband (father of my kids) who are friends, which I have always hated, but dealt with, have started crap with me attacking me and threatening my kids and telling them things that aren't true.  I cannot figure out what this is about.  All I know is that all 5 of us siblings got together to talk about Momma and my brother started up with me and I said I didn't want to get into anything because every energy and everything needed to be about Momma. 

Well, he kept on me so I walked away.  He followed and I said I won't fight with you because it all has to be about Momma - nothing else.  Whatever you have on me, let it go and leave me alone - focus on Momma.

That didn't work - well, it did for me - he left me alone.  He escalated things by calling my ex-husband and then my kids and my ex calling my kids and threatening them and saying lies and frankly nasty things about me that no child - even as an adult aught to hear true or not - although all were lies.  And physically threatening my 22 year old son. 

When I still didn't respond or react - trying to diffuse the situation - AND MY KIDS KNEW THEY WERE LIES - so we could re-focus on Momma.  I today get a text from my brother that "I am no longer your brother fyi" - what?  The argument wasn't even about anything that he was trying to start that I walked away from - just arguing to argue and I wouldn't do it! 

Then my brother calls my son and tells him that my ex-husband is my brother's family and if my son is going to defend me then HE is no longer part of my brother's family either.

All I can think is WTF?!?!?!?!

I will not ever tell my Momma about this - she needs to focus on her not on whatever this is.  But it is also sad because she is also a friend and I can't talk to her about something that is hurting me and my kids.  But that is fine - best that she focus on her because she is going to need it and I can handle it.

I say I can handle it and I can.  But, my anxiety level is now hit by pain, by treatments that aren't working yet, by my Momma and worrying about her and now also by this BS. 

I send out prayers that I can handle the stress and anxiety so my health doesn't get any worse.  I send out prayers that a calming hand will allow me to focus where I need to.  And I will NOT REACT to this. 

I always thought that walking away/not joining the fight diffused situations - but somehow it has escalated this tiny thing into something beyond my comprehension?  I wanted to talk to my therapist this week about my anxiety and my Momma - and now I have to bring this into it as well for her to be able to help me.  It just seems ridiculous and insane!

I try to think that my brother being worried about my Momma has him a little out of his mind - because it has for all of us.  Just not this way he's going.  BUT, it is NO EXCUSE for my ex-husband to threaten his children and say the things he's saying.

I stand by that I will not react or respond to this because my children have said they can take it and that they believe in me.  I stand by that that is the best way to not escalate it further and to if not diffuse it - to be able for me to focus on Momma.  And on my own health.

I wanted to write a post about the details of my anxiety disorder and the attack.  But I guess I just needed to get this off my chest in some way without escalating things.  Because he nor any of my family read my blog.  So, I can send it out to space without escalation.  And I can ease my anxiety perhaps a little by writing.

As always I wish you all the best of health and the best of everything,



  1. Wow, talk about family drama! It's easy for me to tell you to just ignore it, but when your kids are being threatened it becomes your problem. I pray that you're able to find the best solution to this drama. Good luck!

  2. Elizabeth,

    I'm so sorry. About your mom's cancer, about the family drama, and about your health problems. It must be very stressful and frightening to have your ex making violent threats and it must also be very difficult to deal with your mom's situation. No matter what happens, try to always do what will keep safety first. Violent threats need to be taken seriously, as I'm sure you're well aware. I'm glad your husband and children are supporting you at this difficult time. Hang in there and stay safe.


  3. Thank you Heather for your support. It is difficult to ignore when Momma Bear is awakened, but I am working very hard to put my Momma first and my kids are 22 and 18 and the 22 year old getting the most threats and from those who don't know where he lives so I feel better about that.

    I think now what is happening is I am being pushed away as I am the target and it is hurting my relationship with my kids - even though they have asked me and I agree that Mom/Grandma comes first and not to make trouble escalate. Still talking to me seems to cause problems and it isn't just my kids now - it is other brothers/sisters - not all - who are hearing lies and because I am not reacting - seem to be believing them - or at least pulling away from me even more. Momma first is all that matters and I tell myself no matter how sad I am right now - no violence has occurred - and some day people will see the light and the truth - and who was petty and who wasn't!

    Thank you for your support!

  4. JEANNE - I hope that's the YOU who I think it is!!! I miss you and think of you so often - LOVE!!!

    You are so right that threats have to be taken seriously and I am protected myself - except from lies and rumors. My husband and his family would protect me and my kids at any cost if violence did occur. As well as his boss at work.

    I wish my health would take a turn for a little bit better - it is so heartbreaking not being able to be strong enough to help Momma and to be the Momma Bear for my kids and stand up for myself - but the energy isn't there.

    Also, I was talking to my sister - GOOD SISTER - who has FINALLY been diagnosed with Fibro about you - if it is YOU and how much you have helped me and how often I think about you. I need to send her to your website - although she is so busy taking care of our Momma right now!