Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year - Resolutions - PAH

First let me say a Very Happy New Year Wish to everyone for health and for finding answers and all that you need.

I hate the time of year of resolutions - I resolve EVERYDAY to try to get better, feel better, find answers, work on my health, etc.  I don't need a time of year for it.

None the less, so many around me are wanting or resolving for me that this be the year I am cured.

Can I not say it enough that there is no cure for MANY of the disabilities I have, if not NONE.  So I can only assume it is due to 1st) wanting me to be well and are heartfelt well wishes; 2nd) wanting to clear their own consciences.  Now, I may be a bit of a hypocrite here because I started out with well wishes for health and finding answers.  I think what I want, and resolve each day for is that for you and for me that we have better health, are able to manage our illnesses, and for those who remain undiagnosed, that they find the answers they desperately need.

I would love to say I need to lose weight and exercise more.  My current problem as has occurred in my past as well is underweight and need to gain.  I hate that people say their jealous I'm skinny, because they don't know all the troubles I have with it.  I want to be a healthy weight - which many lately can definitively tell I am not and don't express things as jealousy.  I used to hear, I wish I had your problem - trust me, you don't.  Can you explain why I am hypothyroid and losing hair like mad but yet finally get my levels under control and still underweight and losing hair?  Neither can doctors - in fact caused me to be undiagnosed for a long time.

Due to my constant intractable, transcendent migraine I cannot move my head to do much exercise.  And tried Ensure drink to gain weight - and guess what - it contains, like many of them, as a first ingredient a type of hidden MSG - making migraine worse.

My narcolepsy keeps me from any good sleep and tired all the time, not that the migraine helps.

My Essential Tremor gets so bad that I can hardly feed myself let alone other things - and makes strangers wary of me.

Okay - obviously I have a lot of anger - and primarily due to anxiety.  I go so fast from sadness, loss, and loneliness to anger at people or things I have to manage.

I am SO GRATEFUL for my husband and feel badly for him having to deal with all my issues. 

Then, on top of everything I got another blow I wasn't expecting with my ex and how he is interacting with my children.  I express concern and get the same as I get "the strong one" that my kids are strong and they will survive it?  What?  Get mad?  I can't be the only one...  I can't do much to help.  Yet, I will be the one that does the most and takes care as much as I am able to ensure their happiness and health - while putting my own in jeopardy.

My husband is just as angry as I am about this.  But not much he can do with working all the time to take care of me.  And not having solutions himself having not had children or dealing with an ex.

So, I will continue my daily resolutions and ignore the stupid time of year where I am supposed to make an overwhelming resolution.

I get day to day.  And I try when I can to improve day to day and find ways.  Some days that isn't possible.

I will try with my therapist to help get this anxiety under better control.  My anti-anxiety meds should be doing their job - it's just I've been hit so many times lately and as my therapist said, I should feel loss and I should feel angry.

I will try to associate with people who are better at understanding and helping me.  And I will try to accept people for who they are.  Not a new resolution - same one every day.

So PAH I say to New Year's Resolutions!  Resolve everyday to do better, and try...

All the best as ever,



  1. Elizabeth: Altho gaining weight has NEVER been as issue for me, my mother and my sister both were unable to gain weight for most of their adult lives (even with drinking calorie laden shakes) and found out (post hysterectomy) that it was endometriosis surrounding their digestive system. No easy way to diagnose that one!!!

  2. WOW - that is terrible for them but interesting. I asked for a hysterectomy multiple times long time ago thinking it would maybe help my at that time not constant migraines - but my doc said no. With my hypothyroidism he was worried about messing with any other hormones. He's good and cares and I respect someone saying no to me.

    I have NEVER been diagnosed with endometriosis - I wonder? I have always had trouble - except when they had me on steroids and I gained out the whazoo! But after my first son by the time he was 8 months I was 88 pounds - less than now. I was 200 when I gave birth - borderline diabetic when pregnant and gained 80 pounds. My son was 9'6oz and was healthy - they said everything I ate, he was taking right out of me. He was healthy and chunky. My second son - I gained 60 pounds and they took him early so 8'13oz cause they said he would be bigger than my first otherwise - then they made me quit nursing when he was 3 months because I was dropping weight like before - I was back to my normal weight by him 3 months.

    Well, thanks for info - best wishes!!!

  3. Good luck - my mom said everyone always told her skinny was healthy, but she said too skinny = no energy whatsoever.

  4. EXACTLY - your mother was right on about that.