Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Holiday season with Chronic Illness

Oh, how to begin, the good, the bad and the ugly says it all.  Great movie too.

My heart was overwhelmed being with my kids and new addition - semi daughter in-law - they aren't married but together for so long now we included her in our small family gathering.

The bad - the driving and the drama of family - outside immediate - and how hard it is to make everyone happy and comfortable and pretend you aren't hurting.

My husband's family was so great - I kept getting up to play with the little one's and my father-in-law kept putting me back to the couch to rest. 

The ugly - the aftermath and stress let down increase in pain that left me nearly paralyzed.  Kind of did also the week before.

I have been going back and forth between deep sorrow and crying and deep anger at things that are out of my control.  Working with my therapist and have my anti-anxiety medication but best tip from therapist and neurologist is to stay away from people that aggravate that part of me.  Hard to do - well I'm sad because I get lonely and I get angry that people aren't there for me in the way I want them to be.  And how hard it all is on my husband too.

And people I don't want to push away either.  I have to learn to accept people for who they are but it's difficult.  Then work adds another loss - and anger.

Then I hear horrible things that my ex-husband is doing and saying to my kids and that's hurt because I want to care for my kids and not have them have to deal with that crap and deep anger at the things he's doing and saying which I have to hold back around my kids.  Well, somewhat - I have to hold back the anger, but I also have to show them the right way. 

I pray for guidance on this issue especially!!!  I wish I had the means to protect them but with my disabilities that has been taken away - at least financially - and also being able to be there when I can't because I'm sick.

So, Good, Bad, and Ugly -

Tomorrow I go in for my first Botox treatment for my transcendent intractable chronic migraine.  They say it will hurt really bad and have given me medication to dope me up and topical anesthetic to put on before appointment - have to have help with that.  And have to have a driver.  They also said it would take 4-5 treatments to know if it will help or not - because of my condition.  And I change insurance companies January 1st so hopefully the new one will agree to the continued treatment and I don't only get the one trial.

Every year this season is so difficult as I am certain it is for many of you.  Even going to family events - my family is large - and still people wear perfumes, etc that make things worse.

I had some wonderful times - also including my son's 22nd birthday on the 21st of December which was really nice and we had a good time - went to dinner (very infrequently for me) and I did good - we stayed relaxed and spent time together.  He was happy.

Included in happy times and amongst my husband's wonderful gifts to me was so special - he's an artist - and he carved this balloon man for me!  Sorry the picture is a bit fuzzy but I have tremors and it's the best I can do.  Behind it you can't see is a flower pot but inside is a present from long ago he gave me - it's a metal sculpture of a flower - maybe a picture of that later.

I will leave you with this - as my eldest son left on Christmas day he stopped and said "Thank you for... for just being you."  What better present is there?

I wish you all the best and health and love and happiness.


copyright Elizabeth Wakefield December 27, 2010


  1. Even with all those negatives you managed to turn this into a positive. Great going!!!

    Hoping and crossing my fingers that botox does the job. Know a couple of ladies that it helped a great deal.

  2. Thanks Winny - Trying to be positive - found that writing helps that a lot - want to do it more!

    Thanks for good wishes today on Botox - I HOPE but don't get my hopes up too far.

    Best Wishes to you!