Thursday, August 20, 2009

I Must Learn Self Control and Get Back to Me

As per my last post, things are not going well for me lately with my migraine (I'm done with the s at the end it's just one very long single migraine).

As a tell tale sign that I am taking on too much and not enough time for myself, my migraine pain level has increased and other health problems have arisen.

Migraine has been hovering at 8/10 for awhile now - over a week - I usually get by with a 5 or 6 with daily spikes up higher, but lately it's all full blown.

My thyroid (I'm hypo) has gone out of whack. Although better in the last month.

My sleep problems have returned. I have SPH - Sleep Paralysis with Hallucinations - and had gone 2 months without an episode and they are back bugging me and my husband. They get worse with stress. In addition, had to go back to sleep doctor to get better medicine to keep me from falling asleep randomly - been diagnosed with light narcolepsy without cataplexy.

And another bad one, my NCS (vasovagal syncope) form of dysautonimia has gotten worse. I've had 4 episodes in the last 6 days. Last Thursday night I went out with my hubby because his grandma is ill and he needed me to so despite the pain I went out with friends which was good and fun but we came home and I had an episode. See my blog post on Dysautonomia posted earlier this month regarding my top 5 most embarrassing public fainting episodes. None of the past ones have been completely public nor knock any of those lower on the list. On Sunday to get over my being depressed lately over the pain, I went out to run some errands and nearly fainted at Whole Foods Market (note to self - do NOT go there on a weekend - too busy and crowded). Had to spend time in my car and rest and got back home safely. On Monday night I went in the kitchen to take some of my herbs, etc and ended up spending an hour on the kitchen floor because everytime I tried to get up it hit me again hard and I had to go back down to the ground (The kitchen lights tend to bother migraine but earlier in the evening had visited hubby's grandma in the nursing home and she was not doing well). Then last night, Wednesday, I take a shower and have to sit down in the shower and then finally made it out to lie down on the bathroom floor and towel myself off sitting down. Took awhile to get over and then slept for awhile and now woke up at 2:30 this morning waiting to go back to sleep but can't try to hard or will have SPH episode.

I know the stressers right now, migraine pain increased, health of hubby's grandma, a fight with my 16 year old and dealing with ex husband issues, and work (oh work, as a CPA and 9/15 on the horizon - the corporate extended due date - my work in international consulting iand review of international forms/filings/calculations is through the roof. I have so many projects in the air that I'm getting overwhelmed with it almost to the point of not being able to move. Ever get that? So, overwhelmed that your kind of frozen in place?

The migraine - I have to do more yoga and meditation. I'm doing the meds, the herbs, the acupuncture, the migraine massages, but am not spending enough time with just me and flowing with the pain to ease it. I know consciously I'm not which goes to my previous post of depression and feeling the need to punish myself. I have to slow down and take time for me. @TheDailyHerb RT a great article tonight - - that really says a lot of what I need to do. I need to step back and evaluate and clear the junk and know myself. I need to meditate and get back to my yoga at the heart of it instead of going through the motions.

Family - Hubby's grandma is in a bad way and although I've gone through this with my own grandparents (2 of them) I see how hard it is on Hubby. and am trying to be there for him and her the best I can. This is a good thing but does add stress. This I won't change. My son and ex issues have to deal with my not trusting my ex and a guilt trip my son put on me about that. It hit me hard. But, as my brother told me, he's 16 and he's supposed to push my buttons to get his way. I have to stand my ground on my decisions on things and not let myself feel the guilt or not take on the guilt. Take it as it is, a 16 year old trying to get his way. My guilt comes from the fact that I am far away from him and miss him and want to give him the best of everything but there are limitations to that. (I have joint custody but he lives with his dad in a town an hour and a half away. Our other son lives with me.) I did not and never have abandoned him and provide for him well financially and emotionally. It isn't my fault he wants something I said no to and I don't have to accept the guilt trip. He's just being 16. And he's a good solid child who is wonderful - as is my other son and I am lucky to have them. These years are just hard until when I don't know - until they finish growing up and come to appreciate me again. It's natural to pull away from parents - that's how we mature - otherwise we'd stay at home forever. I know this intellectually but have allowed myself to feel and take on the guilt. I have to stop that now!

Work - well what can I say, it is that time of year, and I have this innate need to help and please people. I have to say no when it's too much. I took a pay cut last year to work less hours and I need to stick to that. I have to be honest with myself and others about how much I'm capable of. This is complicated by the fact that I am trying to get a promotion and raise so am trying to impress people. But, everyone I meet with says I have impressed them and continue to and they aren't looking for a superwoman. I have to remember it's work and I enjoy it but I can't let it ruin my health. I have to say no or at least later to some projects. I have to step back from it so it isn't overwhelming and take it in pieces - bite size chunks - and see it that way and schedule it out so I don't overwhelm myself. Again, I know this intellectually, but harder to put into practice. But I must for my health, for myself, for my family.

So, I know the health problems, I know the health risks, I know the causes, and I know the solutions. I must work harder to put my tools in my toolbox to better use. Take time for myself. Regenerate so I can do the other things. Relax and meditate and I will be a better mother, friend, and worker for it. I'll be able to focus more and do a better job as a result of focusing and saying no at the right times.

This is my task - take time out, say no, have self awareness and self control, meditate, get back to real yoga, take my own advise and flow with the pain. Use my breathing techniques, love myself, and get back to me. It will take time, it always does when I get off track, but I can do this.

This Too Shall Pass

Love to all,



  1. So much on your plate right now, so I'm sending gentle hugs. I hope you're able to set aside time for yourself, and possibly get away for an afternoon, a day, maybe more. We can better tackle issues, and think clearer, when outside our usual surroundings.

  2. Thanks - I'm trying to keep it all under control. Migraine is not so gently reminding me that I have to slow down. It's been really bad lately - I'm used to constant pain, but can't handle this level for too long. But, I will stop, relax, meditate, breathe, yoga, and take time for myself and all will be well.
    This Too Shall Pass
    And all the work will get done eventually, it always does.
    On a positive note, fight with son is over and he loves me dearly again and I didn't even give in to him.

  3. Great news regarding your son. If it makes you feel better I've had my share of arguments with my mom, but it never meant I loved her any less.

  4. Yes I know that intellectually, but I don't have a relationship w/ my dad - I love him and think he loves me but doesn't want a relationship - I've tried and tried until I had to quit trying cause it was stressing me out. I don't want that to happen with my sons - I fear it now that they are older. Never thought of it when they were young, but I think it's connected - I'm afraid of losing people I love - not having a relationship.
    And his dad - my ex - is NO help. Afraid he fills his head w/ lies - but my sons are smart and my older one has figured out his dad and has no respect for him anymore. He lives with me, soon to live on his own. I fear losing him too, but that's another story. I know we won't have the same relationship, but I don't want it to go away. It won't if I keep trying, I think. The older one says that my 16 yr old will get it and see things differently when he moves out to college, etc. I think he's probably right and probably doesn't believe the lies he's told. At least I feel that now that the fight is over, because it was partly about that I don't trust his dad and he was mad at me for that. And I see him less now he's so involved in JROTC, work, friends, etc., which is totally normal, I know, I come from divorced parents. It will be okay.
    Anyhow, you are right, I feel better now about that.
    Now if I could just get my migraine pain level down - given up on getting rid of it. Thanks for the hug!

  5. i just found your blog...very nice...i hope we can learn from eachother on this life of chronic pain....i would love for you to check out my blog...any feedback would be great....kind of new to it.....

  6. Read your blog - crazy video - yeah tapping myself and accepting myself - that'll get it gone. If it was that simple do you think we'd be in the position we're in as chronic intractable migraine sufferers? Made me laugh though so that was good.

    I'm really new to this blogging to so we'll learn together. Also a member of ChronicBabe Forum so we can talk there too.

    I have found that blogging and twittering and meeting all these people and sharing experiences has helped me tremendously - feels good to know you're not alone, right?

    Nice to meet you -


  7. We have SO much in common, it is scary. You do not look old enough to have children that age. I just recently turned 40 and have 3 daughters, age 23, 17 and 15. I also have sleep paralysis with the hallucinations but I've never been treated for it. I desperately need to see a sleep specialists but I've just had so many other issues going that I've never followed up on it. My Dysautonomia keeps me homebound and bedridden so it is hard to follow up on other things. I occasionally have migraines but not nearly as often and as long as you describe. When I have mine, my right eye droops very badly. Do you experience that?

    Please know I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

    Teresa <><