I don't know how to even start. It's been awhile since I've been able to be on the computer for any length of time. I haven't been doing so well with the migraine and all my other illnesses/disabilities all feeding off each other don't help at all!
It seems that any activity I gear myself up for and build up my adrenaline because I still want to do things - but it comes at a cost - a crash of pain after. I went to see "West Side Story" at the Music Hall in April and went to see "Rock of Ages" at same Music Hall here in Kansas City in May. Awesome - but at a cost.
My youngest son graduated high school! Awesome and so proud of him - but attending was also at a cost.
Then I got hit with the most terrible news - my Momma has a tumor in her breast. As we waited for the results of the biopsy, my anxiety disorder took full hold. I was having attack after attack after attack - so much so I was starting to hallucinate hearing things - like someone in the house coming to get me and seeing things in my water and things tasting funny and oh my the smells - like all of my senses were in hyper-drive. I was so scared I kept almost calling for an ambulance but stopped myself because I wanted the focus to be on my Momma not on me being in the hospital. Momma thinks I just had the flu.
I got better - a lot better from where I was thinking I was dying and feeling like I couldn't breath - but anxiety still high.
Then, bad news, the biopsy for Momma was malignant and then after her appointment with the oncologist, it is large and grade 2 meaning it is very aggressive. They cannot do surgery until they do at least 4 rounds of chemo first. I want to focus on Momma - my anxiety is high but I am doing that and taking as best care of myself as I can so that I can focus on her.
Then to make things worse for some unknown reason my brother and ex-husband (father of my kids) who are friends, which I have always hated, but dealt with, have started crap with me attacking me and threatening my kids and telling them things that aren't true. I cannot figure out what this is about. All I know is that all 5 of us siblings got together to talk about Momma and my brother started up with me and I said I didn't want to get into anything because every energy and everything needed to be about Momma.
Well, he kept on me so I walked away. He followed and I said I won't fight with you because it all has to be about Momma - nothing else. Whatever you have on me, let it go and leave me alone - focus on Momma.
That didn't work - well, it did for me - he left me alone. He escalated things by calling my ex-husband and then my kids and my ex calling my kids and threatening them and saying lies and frankly nasty things about me that no child - even as an adult aught to hear true or not - although all were lies. And physically threatening my 22 year old son.
When I still didn't respond or react - trying to diffuse the situation - AND MY KIDS KNEW THEY WERE LIES - so we could re-focus on Momma. I today get a text from my brother that "I am no longer your brother fyi" - what? The argument wasn't even about anything that he was trying to start that I walked away from - just arguing to argue and I wouldn't do it!
Then my brother calls my son and tells him that my ex-husband is my brother's family and if my son is going to defend me then HE is no longer part of my brother's family either.
All I can think is WTF?!?!?!?!
I will not ever tell my Momma about this - she needs to focus on her not on whatever this is. But it is also sad because she is also a friend and I can't talk to her about something that is hurting me and my kids. But that is fine - best that she focus on her because she is going to need it and I can handle it.
I say I can handle it and I can. But, my anxiety level is now hit by pain, by treatments that aren't working yet, by my Momma and worrying about her and now also by this BS.
I send out prayers that I can handle the stress and anxiety so my health doesn't get any worse. I send out prayers that a calming hand will allow me to focus where I need to. And I will NOT REACT to this.
I always thought that walking away/not joining the fight diffused situations - but somehow it has escalated this tiny thing into something beyond my comprehension? I wanted to talk to my therapist this week about my anxiety and my Momma - and now I have to bring this into it as well for her to be able to help me. It just seems ridiculous and insane!
I try to think that my brother being worried about my Momma has him a little out of his mind - because it has for all of us. Just not this way he's going. BUT, it is NO EXCUSE for my ex-husband to threaten his children and say the things he's saying.
I stand by that I will not react or respond to this because my children have said they can take it and that they believe in me. I stand by that that is the best way to not escalate it further and to if not diffuse it - to be able for me to focus on Momma. And on my own health.
I wanted to write a post about the details of my anxiety disorder and the attack. But I guess I just needed to get this off my chest in some way without escalating things. Because he nor any of my family read my blog. So, I can send it out to space without escalation. And I can ease my anxiety perhaps a little by writing.
As always I wish you all the best of health and the best of everything,
Elizabeth
