Monday, November 1, 2010

Pain Pain go away, come again another day - oh wait - don't

Short post as an update.  Pain is still really bad.  Tremor is doing - well about the same - but not worse.

I'm just tired of being in pain and I feel lonely.  I feel like people are pulling away from me, but in reality they are just living their lives and I am not functional enough to be out there and involved.

A friend told me not to take things so personally, but it's hard when you feel alone and yes, I know my friends/family are thinking about me, but I want to be involved!  I want company!  I miss my life!

So I go day by day...

But, although I know I have anxiety disorder, I have total reason to be anxious right now.

My short term disability is over Nov 1st unless it is extended and runs out Nov. 15th.  I've provided all paperwork as have my doctors but I have no answer yet on extension or on approval of long term disability.

I'm praying tomorrow will bring answers because how much longer can I wait to hear?  I thought I would have heard last week!

I am told to relax and trust that everything will be okay - but I like control - some semblance of it!  And I am totally out of control without this knowledge - I can't budget or anything!  Hard to do meditation and yoga right now.  I feel like it will all be okay but without knowing and it out of my control it is very difficult.

Pain got worse after my annual woman exam and then a little better and now stress seems to be making it unbearable!

I wish I could go back to work and then know money was coming in and health insurance covered, but I am simply too disabled to work - I couldn't if I pulled all my strength together. 

I have to trust and have faith.  As hard as it is to do right now. 

Thank heaven for my husband although he's pretty stressed right now too.  But he is so good to me. 

Faith we will make it through.  Dear Lord, please let me hear what's what tomorrow!

Hope this finds you all well - Best Wishes



  1. I too feel I have lost a lot of friends and family, I am so sorry about your pain. I too had a defining moment where my body said, "you can't work any more". Mine is a different case b.c I didn't have short term disability. I am waiting for a hearing date yet still filling out hoardes of paperwork. It's been a little over a year since I applied. Now I have a lawyer.

    I have a bunch of things but Lupus is the main issue.

    Have you gone to the message boards of http://www,butyoudontlooksick ? It is a great place made up of people with all different types of illnesses, yet all our problems are essentially the same.

    Glad I found your blog!

  2. I know how you feel. I am on leave from work, and it is horribly stresful. It seems like you do paperwork a month at a time, so you have no long term stability to plan for things like bills. And you have little control over how your doctor percieves you to be doing and how he will fill out the forms. I wish they would just go the max and if I feel better sooner, then good, but if not, at least I know where my finances are at!

  3. Sorry, Elizabeth! I can totally relate. I took a 3 month LOA on short-term disability through the summer and got so anxious and stressed out waiting each month for it to be extended and approved.

    I also relate to your feelings of loneliness and isolation. I think we all do. Last night I forced myself to go to a Halloween party and socialize. It's always difficult to get motivated. Of course, Im a hurtin' today, but feel good I saw my friends!

  4. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. I can also relate - it's such a frustrating situation. I hope the long term disability comes through for you soon!

  5. Elizabeth, I'm so sorry. Please know you aren't alone. I am glad you sent me this blog - I have just read everything from the very beginning. Hang in there, have faith, and believe in tomorrow. I have much more to add, I will be sending you an e-mail later, my very dear friend. I love you.

  6. Boy I sure do understand. I fight feelings of being lonely all the time. I often think people have just forgotten about me. I too am not able to work and sometimes I think that is the worse. I feel like I am just taking up space sometimes. I often think stress will always be within my soul. But like ya said, got to have faith and push on. Hang in their!

  7. Dear one, your post really hit home with me. I understand the loneliness, the pain, the anxiety, etc... all too well.

    I'm definitely not an expert in it all, but I've been on disability for 2 years. I remember that getting approval from STD to LTD was very difficult. In fact, I think it took several months (can't remember exactly, but I want to say about 5 months, for me) and then they paid me in retro. It was an agonizing time for me because I was still in shock and denial that I wasn't able to work. I know that doesn't help the anxiety of finances, but it's a possibility with insurance companies.

    The paperwork does seem never-ending, but 'you gotta do what you gotta do.' I'll keep you in my prayers, and hopefully you're journey will be smooth sailing. Blessings to you.

  8. Thank you so much to everyone for well wishes and for helping me not feel as alone. I hate that others are also going through this but I must say that it gives me comfort to hear I am not alone.

    Emily - I will be thinking about you - I am sorry it sounds like your situation is worse financially. And thank you for understanding about loneliness. I will definitely check out the website - I think someone else directed me to it - I think during Invisible Illness Week one of their newsletters but haven't gone yet. I will.

    Myth - thank you for understanding and you are so right. It is so hard to get better when stress and anxiety make your conditions worse. My husband said something similar.

    Jessica - thank you for your kind words and helping me not feel alone. I am so glad you got out for Halloween! I did not, but did have little nieces and nephews visit Friday night.

    Emily - thank you for your support.

    Mary - thank you - I love you girl friend - my YaYa forever. Can't wait to see you later this month! Got the email and I cried - I'll respond soon. You touch me deeply.

    Fighter - you hit the nail on the head! Feeling like just taking up space and missing work and your life but we are both right that we must have faith and look to our futures though they be different than our past or our expectations of what our future would be. I am thinking of you!

    Jamie - thank you! I will be thinking about you and I am so sorry for what you are and have gone through but so appreciate the support.


  9. As an update - I still don't have any definitive answers but did speak to my Analyst at the Short/Long Term disability insurance company. He was on vacation and promises an answer to me this week.

    He said that he didn't see anything at a glance that would make them not approve my claim but he did have to go through the paperwork yet.

    I am hoping to get an answer SOON!

    I still then have to do social security disability - UGGHHH - but a friend directed me to a helpful guide to get that done. I just wish someone would come over and help me because it's difficult for me to concentrate and think right and I shake and I want to get it done correctly as they say leaving something out could be damaging.

    Here's to waiting!!!