Well, I apologize for being gone so long. I am a CPA and it was tax season. Per doctor's orders I was only to work 40-45 hours/week but then I got some reprimand that made me fairly sure that my job was at stake if I didn't "step it up" so I ended up working 75 hour weeks and my migraine is very angry about that.
This week my doctor put me on short term disability to try to get the rest I need to try to get back under control. So far, the pain hasn't let up and I am not doing well.
I know logically and truly that things will work out and I will get better and find my way. However, I am pretty depressed and angry at myself for not being able to overcome this obstacle - this migraine.
I have had SO MANY obstacles in life so far, and I have overcome them all or hurdled them and become successful. I have had this migraine since January 2008! and I have worked SO hard to overcome, to live with it, to be able to manage it, to hurdle it. I've had migraines almost my whole life and was having them up to 5 times a month - 3-4 days in a row, and I hurdled that. In 2008 I realized that I was going to have to adjust my definition of success and back down for my health now that my migraines had become a disability.
Without having worked, I took a shower and couldn't even get to shaving my legs before it was too painful, I got out and laid down and then got up and then fainted - my NCS - and then laid there for 1/2 an hour, and then got up and it hit me again - took me over an hour to recover from a short shower. It was the same while working so I guess I'm not rested enough yet. This is a true disability and this is just one example of how my disability has disrupted my life. When it takes more than 5 spoons just to shower!
It has gotten worse and worse and now I am finding I can't overcome this and I can't hurdle this. The migraine disability is winning and I am SO mad at myself for this. I feel like a failure. I know I am not and my doctors have told me that they are so proud of me and how hard I have fought. But, that I need to rest and let go and stop fighting so hard. I know that things will work out but for a little while I need to be depressed.
I need to be able to mourn the loss of my dreams, even my watered down dreams. I will make new ones and I will survive and be successful in another way, a new definition. I will be okay. But, please give me time to mourn.
To everyone out there in my situation and those in similar situations or facing trials of your own. Be strong, know that "This Too Shall Pass" and keep dreaming. But, also give yourself time to mourn and to feel your feelings - just don't let it go too long so you can pick yourself back up.
I'll pick myself up and will be strong, after my mourning period.
Love and good luck to all - more later and not as long this time!
Hoping you feel better soon after resting. There are other jobs someone with your background and skills can do that don't kill you with overtime. Wishing you the best!
ReplyDeleteWelcome back! Shame on your company for threatening/guilt-tripping you into working that many hours a week. They obviously don't understand migraines. I hope your short term disability helps!
ReplyDeleteThank you both so much for well wishes - hoping this helps - so far not - but I do need this to reset/review my priorities as well as get better instead of pushing and fighting my way through and ignoring my pain to try to force it to the back burner. Doesn't work - migraines - especially constant - force their way back on top as I'm sure disabilities of all kinds do when you try to ignore them.
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